My New York

You never know when you are going to fall in love. My latest crush, New York City. For the obvious reasons, yes, but also for all of these small moments that brought such delight.

This incredible beaded beauty in the 30 Roc building.

My favorite Upper West Side brownstone on my walk to the subway.
I just wanted to move right in.

The way I'd turn a corner and happen upon a park, over and over again.

Cupcake carts. Pretty self explanatory.

Random spots of loveliness.

Central Park. More than a crush. I find myself fantasizing a life where I can somehow visit every day.

Imagine.

And I pretty much wanted to crate up the whole ABC Home store.

Cute dogs everywhere.

Except not on the lawns.

Maybe this was me in a previous life. I sat a spell on her bench just in case.

Zabars. So many choices. So little space.

They say you should spend your money on experiences. I think I'm ready to agree.

Bringing Vacation Home

Vacation. Just that word sounds wonderful. And it was. So many good things, family and adventure and good food. Sleep and photo taking and theatre. Subways and Central Park. Lush greenness of Omega.

But then it ends. I am back at work, back at home, back smack dab in the middle of my life. House overrun with clutter, groceries needing to be bought, traveling things still to be put away. But also, a nice walk last night with my podcasts. An adorable set of flannel pajamas Chloe and I made for her new American Girl doll that came out looking quite marvelous, amazingly. Chloe and Mia curled up asleep on opposite ends of the sofa under blankets, worn out from their sleepover last night. My basil plant grown huge and lush while I was away. A slideshow put together of our vacation photos.

So there are good things, definitely. But I so much want to find a way to integrate some of that vacation feeling into my life here. Driving to work yesterday I found my stomach clenched and the stress climbing right back into my body. And with good reason apparently because the day was quite difficult. I was right back into my hunger mode too; while at Omega I barely thought about food, other than when it was time for a meal. And then, I just piled a nice mix of healthy things on my plate, enjoyed it, and was finished. No overly full feeling, no worries about if I was eating too much or how many calories I'd consumed, no screaming hunger pangs between meals. 

Then there is the clutter issue here at home. I know the answer to that one...less stuff. Time to get back working on that--systematically going through things and purging again. I feel like grocery shopping will be a good start. The fridge is pretty empty; a chance to plan the week and just buy what we will use. I opened the bottom of the freezer looking for something this morning (that I never did find) and there must be ten kinds of ice cream and frozen treats in there. Now those I didn't buy, but it's an example. Makes me crazy. Don't even get me started on Chloe's room. That one is my fault as I've contributed just as much as anyone to the volume of toys.

I long for a simpler life. I think that will be my goal for now...to find ways to simplify. Ask myself before any decision or purchase, is this complicating or simplifying? And act accordingly. I also want to spend less money as that, too, complicates things. The credit card bills to categorize and pay. The money that we need to make in order to cover it all. I read about a good exercise in Martha Beck's column. Figure out exactly how much you make an hour, after taxes, and then ask yourself before buying anything, is this worth x amount of my time? Some money has been spent on wonderful experiences, like Hawaii and New York. But how much of it has been on things that we don't even remember? How many mediocre dinners out? How many pieces of clothing that I don't even wear? How much on the phone, the cable tv, the xm radio, the onstar, the newspaper and magazine subscriptions? Which of those things do we really value?

And then, work. How to simplify that? Part of it we've already committed to and that's having a smaller, more focused agency. Taking lunch breaks would help too...just taking a blanket and eating in the park, or taking a walk. Something to get up from the desk for a bit each day. Lasering our attention on what is most important, letting some other things go. Being mindful of doing the core things first, the tasks that lead to growth, and leaving the huge list of other demands for after. I may not be able to remove the big stressors (audits come to mind!) but certainly I can attack the day to day things that drain me. 

My task, then, is to simplify. To find what really matters and excavate that and let the rest go. To spend time on things that fill my soul and that nourish all of us. To stop and smell the basil.

Central Park Loveliness

Solitude

As much as I love my family and my friends, some of my favorite times are the ones I spend alone. I am so much at peace within my solitude. My whole body relaxes, I exhale. There is a sense of well being that enters and surrounds me, a lightness. It really doesn't matter what I am doing, it's just the aloneness that counts. I think it's very much about not having to be anything for anyone; not having to play any type of role; not having to worry about or please anyone but myself. Being able to turn off that outside stimulus is so nice.

This sounds a bit selfish, but it's the way I recharge, refuel, and then emerge ready to give again. Without the time to myself, my fuse shortens, my mouth tightens, my loving sense of well being disappears. And then I've got nothing positive to share with anyone. 

It's part of being Chandra. Something I need to accept and embrace and not feel guilty about. It's no different for me than air and food and water. A necessity. Like breath.

Dill and other Farmer's Market Musings

The Farmer's Market this Saturday brought me lots of lovely food, but the best purchase of all was a big bunch of fresh dill. My car smelled fabulous all day and my kitchen has followed suit all week. Today I trimmed up the stems and freshened the water and the whole bunch perked up magnificently into a vase full of pretty yellow flowers.

Not bad for a buck.

More farmers market loveliness...flowers I didn't buy, but which cheered me just the same.

A resulting dinner. Ricotta and squash tart, fresh dill, basil from my garden. Handmade with love by Chloe and I.

Happiness.

Summer Solstice

Always something wonderful when I walk around our neighborhood.
Tonight I took my camera along and tried to capture a bit of it.

Fairy Garden in the shade of these branches.

Our geese.

Pretty light.

The plants always captivate me. Spun sugar dandelion fluff.

Lovely.

I walk for exercise, yes. But also, mostly, for sanity. To clear my cluttered brain, to be in the moment, to catch up with the geese and the growing goslings, to see a glimpse of a muskrat, to say hello to the neighborhood dogs. To see the seasons change, every day, those small changes that add up to the years' passing. 

Full thrall of summer now; the crepe myrtles are starting to bloom. They're the last ones to flower and although I love their firework froth, I have a hard time appreciating them as I'd like to. To me they mean Summer Solstice and Summer Solstice brings the retreat of my beloved light. I know I'm smack in the middle of the longest days of the year but they are tinged with the knowledge that fall is relentless in its' coming.

But right now, today, I must rejoice. Summer. Sun. Warmth. Daylight. Isn't that always my task? Be here, now.

Love You More

Tonight is the third night Chloe's been away from home. I did see her briefly yesterday before she left to drive up the hill...snuck home and helped her pack her suitcase, brushed the snarls from her hair and made a braid, and got some hugs before she left.

I miss her. It's been lovely to have adult time, wonderful to not be rushed or harried or stressed out, nice that the house stays clean. But, boy do I miss that girl. Miss her hugs and her songs and her silliness. Miss snuggling in bed and I love yous. Miss her tangle of hair and the freckles across her nose. Miss the smell of the top of her head when she cuddles against me.

I'm not sure that I've really felt this before. I've always been so overwhelmed by the sheer weight of her. The needs, the touching, the constancy of motherhood. When Ron and I have taken our couple of night getaways it's different...we're not in our house without her. Not living our normal life with her not here. It's been a wake up call for me. I've always told myself that when she grew up and moved away I'd feel free, that I wouldn't be one of those empty nest moms who mourned. Hmmm. I was clearly wrong with that prediction.

I know she's growing up and that she'll eventually grow right away from us. And yes, that's our job, to make her independent. But right now, right here, I'm glad she's just ten. Still little enough to love me thoroughly. Still little enough to hug and to snuggle with and to have sleepovers in my bed. Still little enough to always want her foot against me when we sleep, or to curl herself up against my back, or to mumble "snuggle" to me in the night. Still little enough that we can play "love you more." Still little enough that I can smell the baby that I birthed in her warm hair.

Still little enough to be mine. At least for a few more moments. And I am going to relish them a little more than I ever have.

Sunshine, I love you more.

Be Chandra

Chloe went running off to a sleepover tonight, bag in hand, with barely a goodbye. So happy to be with her friends. She lives for her social life...revels in it all. So often now she is either at one of their houses, or one of the girls is here. She still loves to snuggle but otherwise she's on her computer looking up her newest doll collection craze or playing on Fantage. Or she'll play with her Monster High dolls or watch something on TV. Ron will play a board game with her, or I'll hang out and chat but her peaks in life are elsewhere. Which is normal I know; I remember good times with my Mom as a kid but my favorite times were definitely with friends. It's just been such a sudden change having this free time. Nice in so many ways but also a bit disconcerting. Especially with just losing Gracie. A very clear vision of time passing.

Ron and I had a nice dinner at Paesanos. I've been eating super healthy and low cal trying to get a few pounds off again and was starving for a burger. And a yummy one it was. Pretty on the plate too with the orange cheddar and the dark green baby lettuce and slices of red roma tomato. And french fry strings, a little glisteny with oil and studded with salt crystals. Big glass of iced tea. Shade. So worth the calories.

After, we got a few things at the Grocery Outlet and I walked over to the sports store and got a swim shirt for Chloe's camp next week. Had a personal trainer appointment at the gym and learned some basic machines to use and then walked home. Felt so good to feel healthy and alive, to have worked out, to be walking outside. And then I saw a full grown beaver sitting on the island in the lake, easily as big as a labrador (but with shorter legs!) and watched him slide back into the water. Geese and ducks and their babies all around. A small white heron shaking out it's feathers. Tonight's gift. There is always a gift from nature on my walks. So lucky to live near our creek and lake.

Came home and took a hot bath and had a talk with Ron about our rather simple life, feeling a bit deficient somehow. And he was really good about it and said, you just have to accept who you are. And it's true. Just be Chandra. The woman who likes being alone; who's very happy walking home from the gym on a cool summer evening; who enjoys reading Nat The Fat Rat's blog and perusing Facebook a bit. Who is glad to type up a little something here with Kayla snoring on the ottoman. Who looks forward to a leisurely morning and then a productive day at work. Appreciative of a cute outfit and a good hair day and a good month's billing and a clean family room. Stop scolding myself for not being more social or more romantic or more of an enthusiastic parent or one of many other things I'm not. Just be Chandra. Because she's really pretty damn fine.